Pickles & Praise

The wind is slowly whispering through the pines as these thoughts emerge and spill onto this canvas of glass and light. I vowed not to bring my laptop so the tap tap tapping of my fingertips evade the quiet morning a bit. A steady hiss of a warm lit fireplace send heat into my surrounding, and in turn warming my toes and my heart one last time before I depart towards home. This day… a day I, no doubt… will look back and be proud of because …I conquered. 

Recently I told a dear sister of mine that I was taking off and staying a few days in a couples “retreat cabin getaway” minus one. Praises and pride sang from her as she spoke of my bravery and adventure to do these type of things on my own. I smiled proud and knowingly … then  reminded her “I do this alone because I am alone, but that doesn’t mean I don’t crave ferociously to share these moments with someone.” Not just a someone …. but Jesus’ specific “someone” for me. Alas, one cannot stop “living and doing” in the wait and pursuit of such things. So I smiled bigger and giggled louder and thanked her for her encouragement too. (all while joking about the fearsome thing I am to behold because of my ability to be independent … sometimes too much so) 

Oh bless the man who is missing the rib that is me…. Another story for another day. 

The truth is I “ran away” to the mountains to “find” peace. Well, If I’m being honest, peace is only the byproduct of what I set out to seek. No… what I really came after is Jesus. The same one who’s with me all the time, but I came to seek him differently. Maybe to see him differently than I do in the “day to day” routine of life. 

I made a vow to disconnect from all of my to do lists, want to’s, and projects. Seeing him through the clearer lens of stillness was my goal.  

“She came for solitude and sabbath.” The narrator in my head utters aloud.

Pouring over open pages of my Bible, and spilling inked dreams and hope in my little blue journal have been the medicine that my soul was in need of. The cool breeze and high of 65 temps  most certainly help too. Please, let’s not fail to mention hallmark movies from the premium seating of a “heated to perfection” hot tub to boot. If I could paint the perfect word picture for you. This is rest. Funny that rest is an experience that we often miss. I’d asked for God to speak to me and confirm some things (if he pleases) while I re-learn how to rest in the physical as much as the spiritual. During my short sabbatical I’ve learned three main things. 

One… rest is a mindset. Rest and a day off are not the same thing. Rest is discipline. It’s saying “no Jessie, you will not go on a hike at Beaver Bend today because the purpose of this outing is rest for your soul and your body.” When you pray for rest and decide firmly you’re going to do it (and with much prayer for help)… you experience pause on an entirely different level. What begins as prayer moves to discipline , then to  habit, and then finally, hopefully, a way and code of living. Just as God had to teach the Israelites to be free he’s had to teach me to be free. Free of my own expectations, free of being a slave to my agenda, and free of the plan I have for my life. Surrender comes first to freedom. 

Secondly I have learned this… the act of surrender is fully reliant on your ability to trust who you’re surrendering to. It’s one of the hardest things to do because it requires the bravest act of vulnerability, and simultaneously the largest display of strength. No friend, I don’t mean the kind where “that one guy” at the gym is bench pressing the weight of two tiny homes… I mean the mental strength it takes to let something go fully…completely. To take it one step further the continued strength it takes to not take it back once you have let it go … is brutal , raw, honest, surrender. To literally give up. For someone like me … give up seems to be a cuss word as bad as “quit.” Not this context though. 

Mind you, I am no saint and have not perfected this in the slightest. I am full of words and encouragement but I sit on the same bench of failure as everyone else. How often do I let go, only to take back just to worry. Here is an admission. I am a control freak. I say this jokingly, and often, when it comes to “who’s going to drive” or “who’s going to take charge” but when it comes to worry my control rears it’s ugly head. When I let something go. Give it to God. I no longer have control of the outcome … so I worry … because it’s the only control I have over something I’ve given away. Tsk tsk … if I’m worrying , have I really let it go? I digress…. but you’re free to ponder. 

The third thing God is weaving into my story here. (most certainly not the only or final thing) 

Is Time… and maybe not just time but timing. 

Timing and waiting makes all the difference. Think your favorite sports team. I’ll use baseball for reference. You can have the perfect stance, a powerful swing, and impeccable strength… but if your timing is off when the pitch is released and sailing toward you. You may never make contact. Again, I think timing and waiting is discipline as much as it is training and repetition.  So to bring this full circle moment. The desperate whisper of the same prayer have been on my breath for some time. However timing has proved to be significant. If a few vacations and trips hadn’t fallen through this year I would not have been aching and brave enough to book this willful pause by myself. I would not have been privy to the perfect temperature to sit outside the majority of my stay and enjoy cool breezes and heated by a warm fire, hot tubs, and outdoor hallmark movies. 

The timing was perfect and it was all Jesus. 

Did I find what I was looking for? Yes friend, but to be honest I had it all along. 

Rest and solitude does the body good, but the thing that will stay with me. I conquered , and I was never alone.