Pickles & Praise

I stumbled across a picture of her today. The girl whose face was filled with despair, anguish, uncertainty, and a little failure in her eyes. She was me… I was her…. But we are not the same person anymore. I combed my fingers over her whole hearted attempt to smile and convince the world around her that she was “okay” knowing she was far from it. There was not even an ounce of determination in that face. It is a very real hurt to lose someone in your life whose heart is stitched together so carefully to yours that every stitch torn is felt on a cellular level, and a spiritual one. We are not designed to be broken so deeply. As I look at the girl whose eyes were pleading back to me for any ounce of comfort, I remember the unsettled pit in my stomach that day. Even worse … I could not find my heart or a single ounce of joy when I snapped that photo. Oh, but, beautiful girl, there was so much healing on your horizon. “Just hang on” I whispered to her.

I heard it put so wonderfully recently by a visiting pastor at my church. “We have an inner chord, and an outer chord.” He related. “The Swiss has figured something out when it comes to ‘climbing ropes.’ They’re designed with an inner chord and an outer chord.” Holding up a cut piece of this climbing rope for us to see he went on… ”the outer chord is called a sheath, and the Swiss knew that sooner or later you’re going to be in a vulnerable position swinging one way or the other and this outer chord is going to tear and it’s going to break, but don’t worry there is an inner chord…and this inner chord is strong enough to hold a car in place.” His words danced through my mind … “listen to me” he said “Your life is made up of an outer chord and an inner chord. I’m here to tell you … sooner or later the outer chords of your life are gonna break.” He expounded, “Your outer chord are things like your health, relationships, your career, your finances, and your education…. but your inner chord… that’s your spiritual relationship with God.” He reminded “if you don’t work on your relationship with God …. When the outer chords break there won’t be anything left to hold you.” An example… “you’ve seen people in your life that have gone through divorce, or bankruptcy, or a major health crisis and you don’t ever see them again.“ … “It wasn’t what happened to them that caused them to fall so far … it was a lack of an inner chord.”

Ding! The light went off

His lesson continued that if you work in your relationship with God “and you wake up and talk to him and hold on to your faith… every morning and every day. You continue to work on and hold on to your faith…. Then one day when you wake up and you need it… your faith will be there to hold on to you.”

Ding Ding Ding …. The bells are ringing throughout my inner thoughts. Up to this point I had been explaining that while I was deeply devastated and my world … my outer chord had broken…. I couldn’t find words to explain it other than scripture “he will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee, because he trusteth in Thee.” Isaiah 26:3 My small words just described it as a little “bubble of peace” around my heart. It was Jesus … it was the inner chord… about this moment I regretted … “Man I wish I would have put even more work into that inner chord these last few years…”

Deep breath … I’m going to be vulnerable and honest. I was further from the things of God than I wanted to be when my “outer chord”broke… I had stopped holding on to my faith so much and slowly I had put my worth and my happiness into titles (leader, wife, friend) my good reputation and people…. but He was still there when I turned to him and asked Him to hold me that morning… I knew I couldn’t make it through this season without Him carrying me. I committed in that moment to continue to build and work on my faith even harder and a deeper … to work on a more meaningful relationship with God….

Today my life doesn’t look much different on the outside but on the inside …. There is a gentleness that wasn’t there before… Physically I have watched picture by picture the anguish be replaced with the love that is poured into me from the relationship with God that I ran full speed toward. I found a recent photo taken a couple of weeks ago and had the impulse to compare them side by side to the girl I saw trying to smile two weeks after my world shattered. There has been a visual change too… one where you can see the weight of the world being held by someone else. The new picture staring back at me was a girl on fire… a girl who still hurts very much but is filled with joy of a divine nature. A girl who had that unspeakable peace … that no matter what…. I know the one with the best plan for me and the best interest for me and my path in this life.

A light, if you will…

My dear friends, has an outer chord in your life broken? My hope is that your answer is no… but if it has … foster and nurture that faith you’re building. That inner chord is far more important.

I love you all !